After my diagnosis with Postnatal Depression I was sent to Princess Margaret Hospital into the Mother's and Babies Unit. On the way there my mind was totally gone, just sitting in the car with hubby driving me to hospital I had thoughts of opening the door and throwing myself into traffic, yeah I was severely sleep deprived and just had thoughts of suicide just ending this nightmare I had gotten myself into.
We arrive at hospital and taken to the Mothers and Babies Unit to be assessed, I remember it was a Friday night so not many staff on during weekend. This lady saw me and started asking me questions and I just answered them as though it was just a normal conversation. The lady, I think she was a Counsellor asked me if I had thoughts of suicide and calmly I said yes. Then she asked me how I would do it, again without feeling or tears I said I'd cut my wrists, she asked "how would you cut your wirsts?" I said "with a razorblade". I noticed tears in her eyes but I felt numb and didn't acknowledge her pain seeing how messed up I was. I was also asked if I thought of harming myself and I told her on the drive here I thought of opening the car door and throwing myself into traffic. It's very upsetting telling this now but then it didn't matter 'cos I didn't matter I just wanted to run away, felt overwhelmed and complete failure at being a Mum and just felt everyone would be better off without me.
So after my assessment I was committed as an inpatient and foolishly still trying to breastfeed. I got a breast infection 'cos of being badly dehydrated so put on antibiotics and being in hospital they had control of my meds and gave it to me. The thing I found hard being in hospital was accepting/trusting that I was where I needed to be even though I didn't want to be there. I'd describe my depression as the dark and light side of me fighting against each other, it was a vicious never ending cycle wanting to get better but also going against myself too. My final diagnosis was Depression/Anxiety. This diagnosis was given after I had a full on panic attack while I was at Mothers and Babies. Right before my panic attack I felt myself shaking and then said these words "Time to check out". The moment I said these words in my head the panic attack hit me, it was soo frightening, my heart was racing felt like a heart attack. The nurses were great helping me breathe through it and I remember when the panic attack was happening I said these words "I don't want to die". I heard a nurse say "That's good to hear". So got through my very first Panic Attack and that was just the beginning. Minutes later had another attack, it just kept happening like an earthquake erupting and having aftershocks, that's how I'd describe my panic attacks.
So I was put on a new med called Citalopram and it made me feel drowsy like a zombie for 3 whole weeks, I still took care of baby with supervision but sadly felt nothing, couldn't laugh, couldn't cry I felt completely numb, worst feeling a new mum could have to see her newborn as a burden and want to run away from everyone and everything, just wanting to wake up from her nightmare.
I knew I had to stop breastfeeding but felt soo pressured into keep trying when it was hopeless. After some time at Mothers and Babies unit I was sitting in lunchroom eating some toast for breakfast waiting for another assessment to be done and I heard the words I needed to hear "It's okay to stop breastfeeding". Relief came over me finally someone who understood what I needed to help me recover, her words gave me strength to finally make the agonising decision to stop breastfeeding.
I ended going cold turkey to put baby on bottle and as soon as I did this I got better and better. I went cold turkey meaning stopped expressing on the milking machine and used cold cabbage leaves to dry up my milk, it was fucken painful but had to be done, I had abused my breasts enough and baby couldn't breastfeed properly so bottle was best for both of us. The best thing having baby on bottle was we knew how much he was drinking and his dad could now feed him and other members of our family too, most importantly I could finally rest, get the sleep I needed to start my road to recovery coming out of the darkness and into the light.
