https://www.buzzfeed.com/asiawmclain/postpartum-depression-flip?utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Parents%2012%2F22%2F18&utm_term=Parents%20confirmed
Update COVID19 has been traced to being made in a lab in China. A worker in lab became infected and passed it on to their partner who worked in the wet market and the chain reaction began.
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Sunday, July 15, 2018
ONGOING ROAD TO RECOVERY
I spent 5 weeks at Mothers and Babies Unit and hubby spent the first 3 weeks with me and baby, such a shitty start to our parenthood totally sucked for all of us. One thing I learned was although I was the one with depression it affected everyone and I had medication and round the clock counselling my family had a support group with Mothers and Babies that excluded me so they could say whatever they felt without any intimidation, good that my family had the support they needed to help them through their depression journey too.
As I got better and my meds took full effect I was allowed to leave the hospital and have day trips which was great, but I hated having to go back and begged hubby to get me out of there. I remember a time hubby was driving me back to hospital and I had tears in my eyes not wanting to go back ever, but against my will I knew I had to return going through this hell to become the mum baby deserved, baby was the reason I didn't comitt suicide and kept keeping on with all my support knowing there would be a light at the end of this darkness. At the start its all I heard them say "It gets better". It drove me crazy hearing this 'cos I didn't feel it or even see it, it frustrated the hell out of me till after a lot of time I finally saw what they saw, yes it does get better.
After my 5 weeks stay I had my last assessment and yes I was ready to be released as an outpatient, me and baby were going home 😊
It felt good to be home to be in familiar surroundings and ppl I know. I had lost a lot of confidence and felt too anxious to go out with my baby, it took time and baby steps to feel the fear and get out & about with baby. Truth is throughout me adjusting to meditation and motherhood, I felt nothing for my baby for 3 months 😔 It makes me sad saying this but its how depression effected me, sad and true. There were other factors that made my life difficult, yes I'm talking bout my Mother-in-Law. She always would take over never giving me a chance to do things at my own pace, didn't help hubby let her walk all over me and my confidence kept dropping never getting a chance to improve 😔
After being an outpatient for a year I was well enough for hubby, baby and I to move out of Mums and live on our own, just the 3 of us and our kitty 🐈.
Finally living on our own was just what I needed to get my confidence back and be the Mum my son needed me to be 😊
After living in one place for 2 years, I was pregnant with baby number 2 so we had to find a bigger place. Lucky we found a house thru family and moved.
Both my pregnancies were hell, morning sickness, pain especially in my lower back, tiredness didn't like them at all, except for magical moments when I'd feel baby kicking and seeing baby on ultrasound, pretty amazing.
Being pregnant and already Mum to 2 years old son it was tough, I was still taking ongoing medication which made me drowsy and forced me to sleep, once my son started kindy it was good for him to be away and not see his Mum falling asleep exhausted dealing with his baby brother and side effects of medication.
Fast forward to going into labour and since I'd already given birth my body knew how to cope. Funny thing at the time I went into labour I had just woken up from a nap, hubby arrived home after helping his brother on a driving run. I calmly said I'm having contractions better get ready to go to hospital.
My second labour/birth was a lot easier, baby was born 2 hours later. I did try to have a water birth but couldn't keep my bum under water and when I stepped out of pool baby's head was already showing. Water birth wasn't meant to be.
After meeting baby 2, another son we were both transferred to St George hospital within hours of giving birth. While in hospital I did well, even attended a breastfeeding class to be sure I was feeding baby properly, didn't want yellow jaundice like with first son.
3 days after giving birth I had what's called 'Baby Blues', a common thing caused by hormones. For me it made me anxious fearing another postnatal depression. My last night in hospital I felt something was wrong and sure enough after 3 days at home postnatal depression reared it's ugly head 😔
So dejavu all over again, this time instead of being admitted back to Princess Margaret we ended living with my Mother-in-Law.
Yep adjusting to motherhood now with a baby and 2 years old and living with a control freak was hard, still on medication with drowsy effect too. Thankfully after living with Mother-in-law for 6 weeks I was well enough to return home, just the 4 of us and kitty 🐈
Life was great and being a Mum was challenging and rewarding watching both my sons growing into boys 😊 Tough start for all of Us, now getting better and better.
Long story short even to this day I'm still on medication for depression/anxiety which helps a lot, finding exercise helps too releasing endorphins giving serotonin (chemical balance in brain) causes happiness 😊
9 OCTOBER 2019
Tomorrow is my birthday and it's a sad time cos my Dad would always remember, sadly he passed away with Pancreatic Cancer 😢 So my birthday is very emotional knowing I won't hear my Dad wishing me Happy Birthday (yes I have tears in my eyes as I type).
Another reason why I'm emotional on my birthday is my Dad is the reason I was born. My mum's pregnancy with me made her ill and in hospital to the point the Dr looked at my Dad and had to make the decision to choose whether I would be born or not. A horrible place to be put in choosing to allow his wife to suffer for me to be born.
I never knew my Dad literally has my life in his hands till he told me as an adult. To make my Mum's pregnancy worse I was born 2 weeks overdue 😱 I couldn't imagine her pain and suffering to give birth to me.
I do believe everything happens for a reason and I guess me being around was meant to be.
To be honest without medication I don't know how my life would be, most likely a disaster. So lucky to have had the support helping me through the worst depression of my life and still dealing with my moments of depression by NOT GIVING UP 😉 I have a lot to be thankful for that makes my life worth living (see ongoing Meds and blogging about my feelings is helping me already ending this on a positive note 😜
As I got better and my meds took full effect I was allowed to leave the hospital and have day trips which was great, but I hated having to go back and begged hubby to get me out of there. I remember a time hubby was driving me back to hospital and I had tears in my eyes not wanting to go back ever, but against my will I knew I had to return going through this hell to become the mum baby deserved, baby was the reason I didn't comitt suicide and kept keeping on with all my support knowing there would be a light at the end of this darkness. At the start its all I heard them say "It gets better". It drove me crazy hearing this 'cos I didn't feel it or even see it, it frustrated the hell out of me till after a lot of time I finally saw what they saw, yes it does get better.
After my 5 weeks stay I had my last assessment and yes I was ready to be released as an outpatient, me and baby were going home 😊
It felt good to be home to be in familiar surroundings and ppl I know. I had lost a lot of confidence and felt too anxious to go out with my baby, it took time and baby steps to feel the fear and get out & about with baby. Truth is throughout me adjusting to meditation and motherhood, I felt nothing for my baby for 3 months 😔 It makes me sad saying this but its how depression effected me, sad and true. There were other factors that made my life difficult, yes I'm talking bout my Mother-in-Law. She always would take over never giving me a chance to do things at my own pace, didn't help hubby let her walk all over me and my confidence kept dropping never getting a chance to improve 😔
After being an outpatient for a year I was well enough for hubby, baby and I to move out of Mums and live on our own, just the 3 of us and our kitty 🐈.
Finally living on our own was just what I needed to get my confidence back and be the Mum my son needed me to be 😊
After living in one place for 2 years, I was pregnant with baby number 2 so we had to find a bigger place. Lucky we found a house thru family and moved.
Both my pregnancies were hell, morning sickness, pain especially in my lower back, tiredness didn't like them at all, except for magical moments when I'd feel baby kicking and seeing baby on ultrasound, pretty amazing.
Being pregnant and already Mum to 2 years old son it was tough, I was still taking ongoing medication which made me drowsy and forced me to sleep, once my son started kindy it was good for him to be away and not see his Mum falling asleep exhausted dealing with his baby brother and side effects of medication.
Fast forward to going into labour and since I'd already given birth my body knew how to cope. Funny thing at the time I went into labour I had just woken up from a nap, hubby arrived home after helping his brother on a driving run. I calmly said I'm having contractions better get ready to go to hospital.
My second labour/birth was a lot easier, baby was born 2 hours later. I did try to have a water birth but couldn't keep my bum under water and when I stepped out of pool baby's head was already showing. Water birth wasn't meant to be.
After meeting baby 2, another son we were both transferred to St George hospital within hours of giving birth. While in hospital I did well, even attended a breastfeeding class to be sure I was feeding baby properly, didn't want yellow jaundice like with first son.
3 days after giving birth I had what's called 'Baby Blues', a common thing caused by hormones. For me it made me anxious fearing another postnatal depression. My last night in hospital I felt something was wrong and sure enough after 3 days at home postnatal depression reared it's ugly head 😔
So dejavu all over again, this time instead of being admitted back to Princess Margaret we ended living with my Mother-in-Law.
Yep adjusting to motherhood now with a baby and 2 years old and living with a control freak was hard, still on medication with drowsy effect too. Thankfully after living with Mother-in-law for 6 weeks I was well enough to return home, just the 4 of us and kitty 🐈
Life was great and being a Mum was challenging and rewarding watching both my sons growing into boys 😊 Tough start for all of Us, now getting better and better.
Long story short even to this day I'm still on medication for depression/anxiety which helps a lot, finding exercise helps too releasing endorphins giving serotonin (chemical balance in brain) causes happiness 😊
9 OCTOBER 2019
Tomorrow is my birthday and it's a sad time cos my Dad would always remember, sadly he passed away with Pancreatic Cancer 😢 So my birthday is very emotional knowing I won't hear my Dad wishing me Happy Birthday (yes I have tears in my eyes as I type).
Another reason why I'm emotional on my birthday is my Dad is the reason I was born. My mum's pregnancy with me made her ill and in hospital to the point the Dr looked at my Dad and had to make the decision to choose whether I would be born or not. A horrible place to be put in choosing to allow his wife to suffer for me to be born.
I never knew my Dad literally has my life in his hands till he told me as an adult. To make my Mum's pregnancy worse I was born 2 weeks overdue 😱 I couldn't imagine her pain and suffering to give birth to me.
I do believe everything happens for a reason and I guess me being around was meant to be.
To be honest without medication I don't know how my life would be, most likely a disaster. So lucky to have had the support helping me through the worst depression of my life and still dealing with my moments of depression by NOT GIVING UP 😉 I have a lot to be thankful for that makes my life worth living (see ongoing Meds and blogging about my feelings is helping me already ending this on a positive note 😜
26 MAY 2022
Long time no post. After being on my Meds for 9 years I'm finally coming off them 😜 Got a care plan from Dr and now putting it into action 👍
1 JUNE 2022
One week slowly coming off escitalopram and only side affect is light headedness, little anxiety but able to breathe through it. Starting with alternate nights whole tablet and 1/2 tablet the next night. Doing this for 2 weeks.
14 JUNE 2022
Into week 3 coming off escitalopram and experiencing headaches, most likely caused by withdrawal. Taking Paracetamol to help with it. Now down to alternate nights on 1/2 tablet and 1/4 tablet each night.
28 JUNE 2022
Into week 5 coming off escitalopram. Have noticed my brain fog is lifting improvement in memory, less memory blocks. Have more motivation not sleeping during day like I used to. Still feel some anxiety but to be expected.
Do feel little anxiety which is to be expected.
Overall doing well 😜
1 JULY 2022
Into week 6 now down to just taking 1/4 tablet. Just 3 weeks till I'm completely off, feeling excited 😜
9 JULY 2022
Week 7, so excited just 2 weeks and I'm off completely, still 1/4 tablet till the end now.
11 JULY 2022
I'm now aware of my zero tolerance for other people's rudeness and how I feel physically angry like a volcano close to errupting, do my best to hold my tongue to stop exploding 🤐 Blogging helps me to release my anger rather than implode.
14 JULY 2022
Just one more week and I'm completely off my medication 😁
16 JULY 2022
Have noticed I'm more aware of my impatience and very emotional at times and that my anger towards others is actually at myself. I'm using tools to help me deal with this and it's slowly working. For example I get angry doing extra stuff cos I don't trust others to do it, gotta stop myself and give others a fair chance to do what they should. Always making discoveries bout myself, always learning how to help myself.
Six days till I'll be my whole self again.
21 JULY 2022
After 8 weeks I'm completely off my meds, last night was my first night of natural sleep, no influence of medication whatsoever.
28 JULY 2022
Been off escitalopram for a whole week was doing well till faced with a confrontation by a complete stranger. I was at Fish n Chips getting my order and this elderly woman wearing a mask looked at me not wearing a mask and said 'Where's your mask'. I felt anxious being confronted. I just said and showed her my exemption which seemed to reassure her. She asked if I have asthma, I said I have anxiety.
When ppl confront me not wearing a mask it really challenges my anxiety. I knew when coming off my meds I'd face challenges with my anxiety and determined to face them and overcome them, not going back on meds their long-term affect has been on my memory caused bad forgetfulness.
Onwards and upwards 😜
3 AUGUST 2022
Been off escitalopram for 2 weeks and notice how emotional I get, for good reason when listening to a sad song, see ppl cry. I guess my meds repressed by true emotions, so it feels good to finally feel again 🥰
6 AUGUST 2022.
Now 3 weeks off meds and rediscovering a new me. Trying alcohol and feel anxious so taking it slow.
7 AUGUST 2022
After drinking alcohol I drank too much too soon, felt fine when drinking and absolute crap today. I'm doing trial and error to get the right balance.
I'm noticing I'm very chatty, open honest just say what I'm thinking, on my meds I kept a lot of stuff to myself. My energy has improved, don't feel as tired as I was on my meds. My eyesight has improved too. I have moments when I say stuff but don't feel it's me talking, Yeah experiencing some weird and good stuff. Despite my challenges I'm happy to be off the meds completely 😜
11 AUGUST 2022
Since been off meds 3 weeks now, at times I feel strange, not like myself, but hope it gets better, I'm determined not to go backwards only forwards. I've noticed I'm self aware when someone says something to me it makes me angry and defensive, I'm trying to deal with my anger towards that person sooner rather than later (give silent treatment) and depending who it's with can be hard when they get defensive not knowing what they said upset me. My main challenge at the moment is dealing with people's Passive/Agressive behaviour not just towards me, but my p/a towards them too. Rediscovering myself is my challenge, I'm changing not being on meds anymore.
Another behaviour I'm aware of is my own indecisiveness. E.g writing a sentence then delete and rewrite it, I am a qualified proofreader so this may be a habit. My mind races A LOT. Blogging helps me understand my changing behaviour.
21 AUGUST 2022
Ive now been off meds for a whole month 😊
I still feel affected with my natural feeling for hunger so I just keep eating and drinking to keep up with it. When I first came off my meds the first time (arrow citalopram) 2012 afterwards I didn't have natural feeling for hunger/thirst and didn't eat and drink, even when my stomach growling at me that part of my brain wasn't getting the message from my stomach that it was hungry. Now I'm aware of that unnatural feeling I'm keeping on top of my eating/drinking whether I want to or not, I don't want to lose my hunger all together and go back to square one. I've learnt that depression is temporary dementia so parts of the brain don't get the message from parts of the body. There's no way I'm going back on meds Ive come this far and will be successful learning stuff from failing last time.
6 SEPTEMBER 2022
Still have unnatural feeling of hunger/thirst but keep eating and drinking. Been having wicked hot/cold flushes maybe related to coming off meds or sign of premenopause, don't know for sure.
14 SEPTEMBER 2022
Finally I'm feeling like my whole self again 😊 Roughly 5 months to get escitalopram out of my system for good. Still dealing with challenges especially with my anxiety but nothing serious just my usual 😜 Feels great not depending on medication for my sanity, this is all me, myself and I 🤪
18 OCTOBER 2022
Its been 3 months since I've had no medication and I still feel weird at times like I still need to sometimes force myself to eat when I don't feel the natural feeling to eat.
I can be very irritable, definitely have mood swings (I think that's more PMS).
Today I offloaded big time bout a major stressor in my life and I couldn't stop myself bitching 🤬😲 I realised how much I keep to myself and when someone actually listens to me (not often) I feel encouraged to share anything I'm feeling at that time.
On a more personal note. I don't know if anyone is reading my blog but if there is I'd love for you to share any of your experiences with medication, if you are on any or if you were and got yourself off it. Feel free to comment below. My blog is to share in hope to help others who may need it, it's not just bout me it's bout yous too🤗
10 November 2022
I noticed being off my meds I care more bout stuff than I did when I was on my meds, so proof being on medication did affect my apathy, that I didn't care as much. I feel more sensitive which causes me to feel hurt more easy, now so finding ways to help this emotion I haven't felt in a loooong time. Yes facing challenges to accept who I really am.
9 January 2023.
9 January 2023.
My depression/anxiety has returned, I totally fucked up coming off them, very arrogant I was to think I could come right off only to go back on again, I'm pissed at myself 😤 I'm one big fuck up making mistake after mistake and putting all my family through hell all over again 😔
My family and I went on a holiday over New years. All was going well
till new years day I got badly sunburnt and found it hard to sleep cos of the pain. Besides getting badly sunburnt the first part of trip was good, it wasn't till we left Timaru and travelled down to Invercargill that things went downhill fast resulting in contracting a uti caused by severe dehydration, I'm still dealing with. Ive lost all natural feelings for hunger and thirst and using loo, it's worst this time having to deal with a uti on top of everything. It's my new nightmare going back into darkness feeling I'll be trapped here forever😔
My family and I went on a holiday over New years. All was going well
till new years day I got badly sunburnt and found it hard to sleep cos of the pain. Besides getting badly sunburnt the first part of trip was good, it wasn't till we left Timaru and travelled down to Invercargill that things went downhill fast resulting in contracting a uti caused by severe dehydration, I'm still dealing with. Ive lost all natural feelings for hunger and thirst and using loo, it's worst this time having to deal with a uti on top of everything. It's my new nightmare going back into darkness feeling I'll be trapped here forever😔
28 MARCH 2023
What a roller-coaster ride my mental health and well-being has been. It turns out I need this medication, each time I've come off (twice) I end up back on it. I've accepted my need for this medication. I do feel I'm coming back to myself each day, I'm not completely there yet but feel I've improved a lot 🥰
18 AUGUST 2023
Now I'm back to my normal self (normal for me anyway 😜) I'm back working, keeping on top of housework, helping mum like I did before, most importantly the pressure is off my hubby and we are back to being a team again 👫 I feel great 😎
1 JANUARY 2024 🎉🎇
Happy New Year.
Quick update. I'm doing fantastic 🥰 My meds are helping a lot and Im looking forward to this new year with no relapse, I've learned to keep taking my happy pill everyday and never put my family through hell ever again.
To any readers out there have a great 2024, take care of yourselves 🤗
17 JANUARY 2024
I've been having lots of flashbacks to last summer when 6 months after coming off meds I fell apart and put my family through absolute hell. Having these flashbacks gets me very anxious 😬 I just keep telling myself I'm good, just stay on my meds and to keep calm, carry on and most importantly BREATHE 😊
8 MARCH 2024
Hey all 🙋♀️
I'm feeling fantabulous 😺 My mental health and well-being is great. I know feel comfortable talking to hubby about that breakdown and how much I felt for him. The thing with mental health is when a woman breaks down there's a lot of support for her however there doesn't seem to be support for the woman's hubby/partner, he's just expected to do everything and keep pushing through till his wife/partner takes time to get back to herself.
I do feel for men in these sad situations 😞
Regarding my breakdown it took months for me to recover. Hubby did all he could to help me, the hardest part was when the last part of healing was on Me. I had to force myself to return to work even though I wasn't ready, just had to do it.
To start with my road to recovery for the 4th time (1st and 2nd were postnatal depression. 3 & 4th was relapse coming off meds after 6 months) Behaving and taking my meds, just dealing with laundry each day, doing something familiar helped a lot for my brain 🧠 Depression for me affected my brain and it was like I had forgotten how to do anything but breathe, a taste of dementia struggling with memory. In fact depression is a reversible dementia and only temporary.
I'm amazed how one tablet everyday helps me function.
My motivation is on fire with taking part helping to fundraise for Ronald McDonald House to House Challenge. My goal is to cycle 210kms within 30 days (March) and raise $1,197. Click link below to know more
21 May 2024
Last week I had a review with my Dr regarding my depression/anxiety and all is well 😊 I was told a 6 monthly Dr review is compulsory for people living in NZ 🇳🇿with mental illness.
I do remember having 6 monthly updates when I first was put on to medication 💊2005, sometime well before Covid the 6 monthly reviews suddenly stopped and at that time being a busy mum I never noticed. Good to get reminder when needed.
Thursday, June 14, 2018
FIRST ARRIVAL AT PRINCESS MARGARET HOSPITAL
After my diagnosis with Postnatal Depression I was sent to Princess Margaret Hospital into the Mother's and Babies Unit. On the way there my mind was totally gone, just sitting in the car with hubby driving me to hospital I had thoughts of opening the door and throwing myself into traffic, yeah I was severely sleep deprived and just had thoughts of suicide just ending this nightmare I had gotten myself into.
We arrive at hospital and taken to the Mothers and Babies Unit to be assessed, I remember it was a Friday night so not many staff on during weekend. This lady saw me and started asking me questions and I just answered them as though it was just a normal conversation. The lady, I think she was a Counsellor asked me if I had thoughts of suicide and calmly I said yes. Then she asked me how I would do it, again without feeling or tears I said I'd cut my wrists, she asked "how would you cut your wirsts?" I said "with a razorblade". I noticed tears in her eyes but I felt numb and didn't acknowledge her pain seeing how messed up I was. I was also asked if I thought of harming myself and I told her on the drive here I thought of opening the car door and throwing myself into traffic. It's very upsetting telling this now but then it didn't matter 'cos I didn't matter I just wanted to run away, felt overwhelmed and complete failure at being a Mum and just felt everyone would be better off without me.
So after my assessment I was committed as an inpatient and foolishly still trying to breastfeed. I got a breast infection 'cos of being badly dehydrated so put on antibiotics and being in hospital they had control of my meds and gave it to me. The thing I found hard being in hospital was accepting/trusting that I was where I needed to be even though I didn't want to be there. I'd describe my depression as the dark and light side of me fighting against each other, it was a vicious never ending cycle wanting to get better but also going against myself too. My final diagnosis was Depression/Anxiety. This diagnosis was given after I had a full on panic attack while I was at Mothers and Babies. Right before my panic attack I felt myself shaking and then said these words "Time to check out". The moment I said these words in my head the panic attack hit me, it was soo frightening, my heart was racing felt like a heart attack. The nurses were great helping me breathe through it and I remember when the panic attack was happening I said these words "I don't want to die". I heard a nurse say "That's good to hear". So got through my very first Panic Attack and that was just the beginning. Minutes later had another attack, it just kept happening like an earthquake erupting and having aftershocks, that's how I'd describe my panic attacks.
So I was put on a new med called Citalopram and it made me feel drowsy like a zombie for 3 whole weeks, I still took care of baby with supervision but sadly felt nothing, couldn't laugh, couldn't cry I felt completely numb, worst feeling a new mum could have to see her newborn as a burden and want to run away from everyone and everything, just wanting to wake up from her nightmare.
I knew I had to stop breastfeeding but felt soo pressured into keep trying when it was hopeless. After some time at Mothers and Babies unit I was sitting in lunchroom eating some toast for breakfast waiting for another assessment to be done and I heard the words I needed to hear "It's okay to stop breastfeeding". Relief came over me finally someone who understood what I needed to help me recover, her words gave me strength to finally make the agonising decision to stop breastfeeding.
I ended going cold turkey to put baby on bottle and as soon as I did this I got better and better. I went cold turkey meaning stopped expressing on the milking machine and used cold cabbage leaves to dry up my milk, it was fucken painful but had to be done, I had abused my breasts enough and baby couldn't breastfeed properly so bottle was best for both of us. The best thing having baby on bottle was we knew how much he was drinking and his dad could now feed him and other members of our family too, most importantly I could finally rest, get the sleep I needed to start my road to recovery coming out of the darkness and into the light.
We arrive at hospital and taken to the Mothers and Babies Unit to be assessed, I remember it was a Friday night so not many staff on during weekend. This lady saw me and started asking me questions and I just answered them as though it was just a normal conversation. The lady, I think she was a Counsellor asked me if I had thoughts of suicide and calmly I said yes. Then she asked me how I would do it, again without feeling or tears I said I'd cut my wrists, she asked "how would you cut your wirsts?" I said "with a razorblade". I noticed tears in her eyes but I felt numb and didn't acknowledge her pain seeing how messed up I was. I was also asked if I thought of harming myself and I told her on the drive here I thought of opening the car door and throwing myself into traffic. It's very upsetting telling this now but then it didn't matter 'cos I didn't matter I just wanted to run away, felt overwhelmed and complete failure at being a Mum and just felt everyone would be better off without me.
So after my assessment I was committed as an inpatient and foolishly still trying to breastfeed. I got a breast infection 'cos of being badly dehydrated so put on antibiotics and being in hospital they had control of my meds and gave it to me. The thing I found hard being in hospital was accepting/trusting that I was where I needed to be even though I didn't want to be there. I'd describe my depression as the dark and light side of me fighting against each other, it was a vicious never ending cycle wanting to get better but also going against myself too. My final diagnosis was Depression/Anxiety. This diagnosis was given after I had a full on panic attack while I was at Mothers and Babies. Right before my panic attack I felt myself shaking and then said these words "Time to check out". The moment I said these words in my head the panic attack hit me, it was soo frightening, my heart was racing felt like a heart attack. The nurses were great helping me breathe through it and I remember when the panic attack was happening I said these words "I don't want to die". I heard a nurse say "That's good to hear". So got through my very first Panic Attack and that was just the beginning. Minutes later had another attack, it just kept happening like an earthquake erupting and having aftershocks, that's how I'd describe my panic attacks.
So I was put on a new med called Citalopram and it made me feel drowsy like a zombie for 3 whole weeks, I still took care of baby with supervision but sadly felt nothing, couldn't laugh, couldn't cry I felt completely numb, worst feeling a new mum could have to see her newborn as a burden and want to run away from everyone and everything, just wanting to wake up from her nightmare.
I knew I had to stop breastfeeding but felt soo pressured into keep trying when it was hopeless. After some time at Mothers and Babies unit I was sitting in lunchroom eating some toast for breakfast waiting for another assessment to be done and I heard the words I needed to hear "It's okay to stop breastfeeding". Relief came over me finally someone who understood what I needed to help me recover, her words gave me strength to finally make the agonising decision to stop breastfeeding.
I ended going cold turkey to put baby on bottle and as soon as I did this I got better and better. I went cold turkey meaning stopped expressing on the milking machine and used cold cabbage leaves to dry up my milk, it was fucken painful but had to be done, I had abused my breasts enough and baby couldn't breastfeed properly so bottle was best for both of us. The best thing having baby on bottle was we knew how much he was drinking and his dad could now feed him and other members of our family too, most importantly I could finally rest, get the sleep I needed to start my road to recovery coming out of the darkness and into the light.
Monday, May 21, 2018
6 DAYS IN HOSPITAL
Before leaving to go to hospital I didn't eat anything, no appetite just feelings of failure and that I was shit.
At hospital with baby not a clue what to do, no midwife and no-one to guide us, felt completely lost. I found a pamphlet telling us what to expect on our first arrival at hospital, I tried reading it but my concentration was terrible, I felt I was reading but not understanding anything.
My poor baby before he was put in incubation Dr seen him and pricked his foot to test for bilirubin https://www.healthline.com/health/bilirubin-blood#purpose, his foot became a pin cushion soo many pricks, horrible to watch but no tears shed, just feelings of failure. Doctor saw that I was breastfeeding and got me some food, when the food was in front of me, I wanted to give it to hubby help him with his strength but he declined and I reluctantly ate.
Baby ends up in a incubation tank, nappy off, lights on getting his light treatment to help with his yellow jaundice. I could see he loved being naked with no nappy, he peeeed everywhere.
While baby was getting his light therapy I still was trying to give him breast milk and used the electric breast pump at hospital. It meant I had to walk and find my way to the milking room and I gotta say it felt great doing it on my own, not depending on anyone, felt like my independent self again. So every 3 hours in the milking room to get breast milk for baby (yeah breastfeeding for me felt like a cow in a milking shed, didn't enjoy it at all, but felt pressured and didn't have the strength to stop).
Hubby and I spend the whole night in hospital while baby in incubation getting light therapy and me in milking shed expressing every 3 hours.
Baby is good to be fed and I've had enough! I just NEED SLEEP. The nurse tried to get me to breastfeed baby and I didn't want to and she said how I would regret giving up. At this moment baby latched on and was feeding, I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and he looked into mine and wow it really felt like he wanted me to succeed giving him breast milk awww. Midwife did see me and asked me how I was doing, I just told her I need sleep, she said "You're depressed". I kept saying "I'm not depressed I just need sleep". She knew the truth and I was in denial.
Now baby was getting better he still needed to see Dr check all was well before going home.
Things were going well with baby, as for his mum (me) she started to go downhill. Little by little more decisions were being made for me and I felt like I was a child not being able to decide anything for myself, felt no-one trusted my own judgement and useless. Then after baby's last test the Dr announces he can go home, you'd think I'd be ecstatic but instead I was anxious and didn't want to go home knowing I wasn't coping and breastfeeding didn't feel like it was working so I wanted to see Lactation Consultant and be sure I was doing it properly, unfortunately in a hospital you don't get to see specialists when you need too, so had to wait. Finally the Lactation Consultant arrived and I was tired and didn't know what to ask, started staring into space, guessing it was sleep deprivation.
Baby still doing fine and attention was drawn to me concerns about my mental health. After many trips here and there I was finally diagnosed with Postnatal Depression. Two weeks after giving birth and off to Princess Margaret Hospital into Mothers and Babies Unit.
At hospital with baby not a clue what to do, no midwife and no-one to guide us, felt completely lost. I found a pamphlet telling us what to expect on our first arrival at hospital, I tried reading it but my concentration was terrible, I felt I was reading but not understanding anything.
My poor baby before he was put in incubation Dr seen him and pricked his foot to test for bilirubin https://www.healthline.com/health/bilirubin-blood#purpose, his foot became a pin cushion soo many pricks, horrible to watch but no tears shed, just feelings of failure. Doctor saw that I was breastfeeding and got me some food, when the food was in front of me, I wanted to give it to hubby help him with his strength but he declined and I reluctantly ate.
Baby ends up in a incubation tank, nappy off, lights on getting his light treatment to help with his yellow jaundice. I could see he loved being naked with no nappy, he peeeed everywhere.
While baby was getting his light therapy I still was trying to give him breast milk and used the electric breast pump at hospital. It meant I had to walk and find my way to the milking room and I gotta say it felt great doing it on my own, not depending on anyone, felt like my independent self again. So every 3 hours in the milking room to get breast milk for baby (yeah breastfeeding for me felt like a cow in a milking shed, didn't enjoy it at all, but felt pressured and didn't have the strength to stop).
Hubby and I spend the whole night in hospital while baby in incubation getting light therapy and me in milking shed expressing every 3 hours.
Baby is good to be fed and I've had enough! I just NEED SLEEP. The nurse tried to get me to breastfeed baby and I didn't want to and she said how I would regret giving up. At this moment baby latched on and was feeding, I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and he looked into mine and wow it really felt like he wanted me to succeed giving him breast milk awww. Midwife did see me and asked me how I was doing, I just told her I need sleep, she said "You're depressed". I kept saying "I'm not depressed I just need sleep". She knew the truth and I was in denial.
Now baby was getting better he still needed to see Dr check all was well before going home.
Things were going well with baby, as for his mum (me) she started to go downhill. Little by little more decisions were being made for me and I felt like I was a child not being able to decide anything for myself, felt no-one trusted my own judgement and useless. Then after baby's last test the Dr announces he can go home, you'd think I'd be ecstatic but instead I was anxious and didn't want to go home knowing I wasn't coping and breastfeeding didn't feel like it was working so I wanted to see Lactation Consultant and be sure I was doing it properly, unfortunately in a hospital you don't get to see specialists when you need too, so had to wait. Finally the Lactation Consultant arrived and I was tired and didn't know what to ask, started staring into space, guessing it was sleep deprivation.
Baby still doing fine and attention was drawn to me concerns about my mental health. After many trips here and there I was finally diagnosed with Postnatal Depression. Two weeks after giving birth and off to Princess Margaret Hospital into Mothers and Babies Unit.
Sunday, May 20, 2018
HOSPITAL DISCHARGE/FIRST WEEK HOME
That night in hospital having baby beside me was great but when he needed changing I was too exhausted to do it so the nurse did, in fact the whole time I was in the hospital I didn't change his nappy at all.
Me and baby were discharged that same day despite I still didn't know WTF I was doing and nurses didn't even check if I was okay. What was supposed to have happened was baby and me were to be transferred to Burwood Hospital but instead baby and me were discharged from Christchurch Womans' and sent straight home. I feel my midwife let me down not following through with our postnatal plan.
Because baby was born 27 days early hubby and I had nothing ready so had to sort a car seat to bring him home, no idea how they were put in either or how they worked, both me and hubby completely lost not knowing anything. The one thing we did have ready at home was cot and bedding, of course nappies, wipes etc.
So here we are hubby and I with baby driving home and I feel very anxious always worried 'What if he cries, what do I do?"
The first days home had regular visits from Midwife checking I'm okay but nothing was said why me and baby weren't transferred like we should have been. I did tell her I had been shaking more and more each day, midwife thought I may have a uti (urinary tract infection) so gave me suggestion to help. I told her I hadn't been sleeping since I was demand feeding every 3 hours and with baby still premature too sleepy to feed properly and that I was in constant pain more so after baby gave me a tear giving birth, midwife suggested have warm cup of water to use when I pee to help with pain, yes this did help.
The living situation was with Mum 'cos funny thing was the day I went into labour hubby and I planned to go house hunting but of course had to cancel. Mum didn't like her house turning into a pigsty and it happens when you're sleep deprived, low on energy and its all about baby this and baby that and I no longer exist.
Before pregnancy I was tidy, active, got things done, organised. During pregnancy I tried to do what I could but always tired, no energy and morning sickness was really bad, the loo got to know me too well during my first trimester, told me jokes that had me laughing at the floor, I'm sure woman who have been pregnant know what I mean. Lots of resting during my pregnancy. After pregnancy lost confidence, felt like a failure, anxious as hell.
Backtrack when I first found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks, at the time I was doing Home Care in the community. This morning I was crook and called my co-ordinator told her I was 6 weeks pregnant and not up to seeing my client, she said I had to do it 'cos there was no-one to relieve me. So despite feeling nauseous I managed something to eat and drink and hubby drove me there.
At clients place doing Home Management (housework) and 30 mins in I almost fainted. I had to tell my client I was pregnant so he understood what was going on. I couldn't finish cleaning so called office spoke to co-ordinator telling her she needs to get someone out there to finish. I wrote down what had been done for the reliever so they knew what to do.
Hubby picked me up and after I got home I used loo and noticed bleeding. I called midwife (different midwife as I was living in Blenheim during my first trimester and ended moving to Christchurch 18 weeks pregnant) told her what was going on and she told me I may be at the start of a miscarriage, told me to rest. Hearing the word miscarriage freaked me out! I rested the rest of the day and the bleeding stopped "phew'.
I read later that if you have spotting during first trimester its a sign that baby may be born premature, in my case baby was born premature.
Another thing that I experienced during pregnancy was I had an allergy to strawberry and ended in a rash on my arms, found something from chemist safe to use help with itching. No I was fine eating anything strawberry before pregnancy, it was only during pregnancy I become allergic.
Back to first days at home with baby. Day 3 I was sitting on bed eating noodles and for no reason just started crying. Midwife came round and saw me with tears in my eyes and I asked her "Is this normal?" apparently yes, 3 days after giving birth new mums cry it's called baby blues and perfectly normal.
During the first week breastfeeding wasn't working out at all, baby too sleepy to feed and I ended up using breast pump, and told to lactate at least 200 mils and it took everything out of me. Did I stop? No I ended up hiring an electric breast pump and continuing.
Another visit from midwife telling me baby is jaundice not getting enough fluid and needed to be taken to hospital for light therapy. Yes a week after giving birth back to hospital next to Christchurch Woman's and I felt like a complete failure.
Me and baby were discharged that same day despite I still didn't know WTF I was doing and nurses didn't even check if I was okay. What was supposed to have happened was baby and me were to be transferred to Burwood Hospital but instead baby and me were discharged from Christchurch Womans' and sent straight home. I feel my midwife let me down not following through with our postnatal plan.
Because baby was born 27 days early hubby and I had nothing ready so had to sort a car seat to bring him home, no idea how they were put in either or how they worked, both me and hubby completely lost not knowing anything. The one thing we did have ready at home was cot and bedding, of course nappies, wipes etc.
So here we are hubby and I with baby driving home and I feel very anxious always worried 'What if he cries, what do I do?"
The first days home had regular visits from Midwife checking I'm okay but nothing was said why me and baby weren't transferred like we should have been. I did tell her I had been shaking more and more each day, midwife thought I may have a uti (urinary tract infection) so gave me suggestion to help. I told her I hadn't been sleeping since I was demand feeding every 3 hours and with baby still premature too sleepy to feed properly and that I was in constant pain more so after baby gave me a tear giving birth, midwife suggested have warm cup of water to use when I pee to help with pain, yes this did help.
The living situation was with Mum 'cos funny thing was the day I went into labour hubby and I planned to go house hunting but of course had to cancel. Mum didn't like her house turning into a pigsty and it happens when you're sleep deprived, low on energy and its all about baby this and baby that and I no longer exist.
Before pregnancy I was tidy, active, got things done, organised. During pregnancy I tried to do what I could but always tired, no energy and morning sickness was really bad, the loo got to know me too well during my first trimester, told me jokes that had me laughing at the floor, I'm sure woman who have been pregnant know what I mean. Lots of resting during my pregnancy. After pregnancy lost confidence, felt like a failure, anxious as hell.
Backtrack when I first found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks, at the time I was doing Home Care in the community. This morning I was crook and called my co-ordinator told her I was 6 weeks pregnant and not up to seeing my client, she said I had to do it 'cos there was no-one to relieve me. So despite feeling nauseous I managed something to eat and drink and hubby drove me there.
At clients place doing Home Management (housework) and 30 mins in I almost fainted. I had to tell my client I was pregnant so he understood what was going on. I couldn't finish cleaning so called office spoke to co-ordinator telling her she needs to get someone out there to finish. I wrote down what had been done for the reliever so they knew what to do.
Hubby picked me up and after I got home I used loo and noticed bleeding. I called midwife (different midwife as I was living in Blenheim during my first trimester and ended moving to Christchurch 18 weeks pregnant) told her what was going on and she told me I may be at the start of a miscarriage, told me to rest. Hearing the word miscarriage freaked me out! I rested the rest of the day and the bleeding stopped "phew'.
I read later that if you have spotting during first trimester its a sign that baby may be born premature, in my case baby was born premature.
Another thing that I experienced during pregnancy was I had an allergy to strawberry and ended in a rash on my arms, found something from chemist safe to use help with itching. No I was fine eating anything strawberry before pregnancy, it was only during pregnancy I become allergic.
Back to first days at home with baby. Day 3 I was sitting on bed eating noodles and for no reason just started crying. Midwife came round and saw me with tears in my eyes and I asked her "Is this normal?" apparently yes, 3 days after giving birth new mums cry it's called baby blues and perfectly normal.
During the first week breastfeeding wasn't working out at all, baby too sleepy to feed and I ended up using breast pump, and told to lactate at least 200 mils and it took everything out of me. Did I stop? No I ended up hiring an electric breast pump and continuing.
Another visit from midwife telling me baby is jaundice not getting enough fluid and needed to be taken to hospital for light therapy. Yes a week after giving birth back to hospital next to Christchurch Woman's and I felt like a complete failure.
LABOUR/BIRTH
Depression just the sound of the word is yuck. Depression is close to home for me and many others too. The depression this blog is about is my experience with Postnatal Depression.
My first son was born 27 days early it was a shock when I went into labour. Its one thing to be pregnant and another to realise "OMG this baby is on its way, eek!" I went into shock just sat on a chair freaking out, oblivious to what was happening around me. Hubby had to pack my stuff for hospital 'cos my mind wasn't here it was dealing with labour, painful labour. This day was my Mum's birthday too and it was funny when my contractions were 5 minutes apart to say "Happy Birthday Mum, I'm off to hospital now to give birth to your next grandson". No birthday cake for me lol!
The car ride to hospital was the worst! I was in sooo much pain and trying to keep the seatbelt on made the pain sooo much worse! F words were spoken and happy when we arrived to get out of the car, felt better walking round.
My labour lasted 8 hours, it was the most excruciating pain I had ever experienced in my life, no pain relief, I heard that getting an epidural could affect my bond with baby so I didn't want to take that risk. Eight hours later nearing 0200 (2am) I met my son who had been kicking me for 8 months and seeing his beautiful blue eyes was a moment to cherish.
In a short time baby was taken away to have his checks and he had trouble breathing so was taken up to Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU).
Backtrack after I gave birth for some reason my whole body shook like an earthquake and I tried to ask my Midwife if this shaking was normal but she's too exhausted helping me give birth she didn't answer me. I think it may've been severe dehydration 'cos when I first went into labour I didn't drink or eat anything, and during labour in hospital I dry retched really bad, needed ice chips to help with dehydration.
Baby is taken up to NICU help with his breathing and I showered and had something to eat just toast with spread, after all the dry retching my stomach was empty so could manage very little. I get taken to my room at Christchurch Womans' Hospital and did I sleep? No my mind went through the moment I went into labour to giving birth and it took ages to get to sleep, felt like an adrenaline rush. While I was sleeping the nurse came in to help get my Colostrum working to help bring my milk through to breastfeed, I was totally wreaked to do it myself so let the nurse squeeze my nipples.
I did get called up to NICU to breastfeed baby.
I get up to NICU and see my gorgeous baby boy and try breastfeeding him, still feeling exhausted I didn't even know if he was latching properly just assumed he was.
I had a chat to baby saying "Mum misses you in her room so hope you will be well enough to leave NICU and be with me". I had my time with baby then left him in NICU went back to my room. Sometime later I was told baby is breathing on his own and can come down with me, I was happy and wondered if baby understood the words I had said to him, freaky. Baby comes down and is lying in crib beside me and I start freaking out in my mind "What do I do if he cries?" This was the start to my anxiety as a new mum not knowing WTF I was doing.
My first son was born 27 days early it was a shock when I went into labour. Its one thing to be pregnant and another to realise "OMG this baby is on its way, eek!" I went into shock just sat on a chair freaking out, oblivious to what was happening around me. Hubby had to pack my stuff for hospital 'cos my mind wasn't here it was dealing with labour, painful labour. This day was my Mum's birthday too and it was funny when my contractions were 5 minutes apart to say "Happy Birthday Mum, I'm off to hospital now to give birth to your next grandson". No birthday cake for me lol!
The car ride to hospital was the worst! I was in sooo much pain and trying to keep the seatbelt on made the pain sooo much worse! F words were spoken and happy when we arrived to get out of the car, felt better walking round.
My labour lasted 8 hours, it was the most excruciating pain I had ever experienced in my life, no pain relief, I heard that getting an epidural could affect my bond with baby so I didn't want to take that risk. Eight hours later nearing 0200 (2am) I met my son who had been kicking me for 8 months and seeing his beautiful blue eyes was a moment to cherish.
In a short time baby was taken away to have his checks and he had trouble breathing so was taken up to Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU).
Backtrack after I gave birth for some reason my whole body shook like an earthquake and I tried to ask my Midwife if this shaking was normal but she's too exhausted helping me give birth she didn't answer me. I think it may've been severe dehydration 'cos when I first went into labour I didn't drink or eat anything, and during labour in hospital I dry retched really bad, needed ice chips to help with dehydration.
Baby is taken up to NICU help with his breathing and I showered and had something to eat just toast with spread, after all the dry retching my stomach was empty so could manage very little. I get taken to my room at Christchurch Womans' Hospital and did I sleep? No my mind went through the moment I went into labour to giving birth and it took ages to get to sleep, felt like an adrenaline rush. While I was sleeping the nurse came in to help get my Colostrum working to help bring my milk through to breastfeed, I was totally wreaked to do it myself so let the nurse squeeze my nipples.
I did get called up to NICU to breastfeed baby.
I get up to NICU and see my gorgeous baby boy and try breastfeeding him, still feeling exhausted I didn't even know if he was latching properly just assumed he was.
I had a chat to baby saying "Mum misses you in her room so hope you will be well enough to leave NICU and be with me". I had my time with baby then left him in NICU went back to my room. Sometime later I was told baby is breathing on his own and can come down with me, I was happy and wondered if baby understood the words I had said to him, freaky. Baby comes down and is lying in crib beside me and I start freaking out in my mind "What do I do if he cries?" This was the start to my anxiety as a new mum not knowing WTF I was doing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)