Mental Health and Wellbeing

24 HRS BEFORE GOING INTO LOCKDOWN

I completely lost my temper today with the border who lives with us ordering UBER and having them bring it to our front door 😠 This putting my family at risk for COVID19, such a fuckwit. At least with lockdown UBER is not an essential service so no UBER for him, he'll actually have to cook and eat healthy. Wish he wasn't self isolating with us he's already put us at risk. We hate him living with us and it only happened for financial convenience, soo regretting it now 😷


It seems there's always one person in my life that pisses me off and I feel I have no break from it. Study is helping a lot learning how to use a stress diary more so now we are all in lockdown, blogging is my therapy too.

Haven't been sleeping well, hubby snores has tried everything to help but nothing works and with him still working in essential service he's most likely stressed which makes his snoring worse.
Our bedroom is next to the border's room and since he's been unemployed for over 2 years cos of work injury definitely due to his obesity he sleeps during day, awake at night with TV loud. Very inconsiderate to the rest of us who live in the land of the living. I have to wear earplugs to block out noise to help me sleep, I think I need a bedtime will help with my sleep deprivation 😴

My sleep deprivation has caused me some manic behaviour so best keep aware of it, I have ongoing medication and it helps a lot, more so now in lockdown. Blogging about my behaviour is great therapy, lovn it ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

LOCKDOWN DAY 4

Had best sleep in ages, woke up feeling positive about our self isolation situation.
Focusing on what We Can Do😻

LOCKDOWN DAY  6

Going crazy needing adult company other than hubby. Feel chained to my kids just need to BREAK FREE 😜😔😩

LOCKDOWN DAY 10

Our border rode bus, taking no precautions, wore no mask or gloves to supermarket get groceries. Its as if HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF US. Every time he rides the bus, out in supermarket with others he's putting himself and my whanau at risk. If he gets infected he will be forced into quarantine 🤧😷

Cos our border has no regard or respect for my whanau I've started using a Stress Diary, main thing I can't control how he is so have to accept him for being a selfish cunt and find peace within myself ✌️❤️

LOCKDOWN DAY 13

Our border had a shower, left floor wet despite a note that is written for all of us to dry the floor after our shower. I FKN HATE HIM I WISH HE WOULD FUCK OFF TO BURDEN SOMEONE ELSE'S WHANAU, HE'S A FUCKN LOSER A DISGRACE TO OUR HUMAN RACE A MAJOR STRESSOR IN OUR LIVES 😠🤬

He had the nerve to ask about the wet floor who did it. I told him you didn't dry floor after your shower so clean it up please. He refused and good thing he walked away cos I was ready to rip saying everything I've been feeling that fucks me off about him.

Soon after went for a walk with my bubble helped relieve stress 😊

LOCKDOWN DAY 16

Have become self aware exercises help better my low mood 🚶‍♀️💪

LOCKDOWN DAY 26

No motivation today, feel emotionally and physically exhausted 😴 Having a migraine didn't help. With home schooling I feel A LOT OF PRESSURE 😔 Trying to encourage my sons to do their assigned work, still keep on top of my study, Housekeeping, kids karate, my home gym exercises, feeling very overwhelmed, lucky to have an understanding husband who is an essential worker seen how down I've been today and cooked tea. Just 6 more days to pop this bubble, sooo looking forward to it 😜

LOCKDOWN Level 3

Finally after being in lockdown for a month we are down to level 3 😊

My son has become depressed the level 4 lockdown not being able to see his friends, grandparents etc has got him upset 😔 Thankfully at level 3 he is now spending time with his grandparents it's what he needs for his mental health and wellbeing.

After seeing how much his brother stressing him out I told him to stop that his brother isn't coping as well as him and if he kept stressing his brother out he would be separated from him.
It wasn't till today these words have made me self aware that I blamed my son for his brother's misery in lockdown, more focused helping my now depressed son despite hurting my other son's feelings 😔 Parenting in this fuckn lockdown is most challenging thank goodness for the support of their grandparents 🤗

9 MAY 2020

Keeping my hate and misery to myself started in childhood, anytime I tried to reach out I was condemned for the way I felt cos others disagreed with how I felt, this had me stop reaching out, keeping my misery and depression to myself.

Because I felt I couldn't reach out for help I became involved in being sexually/mentally abused. As a kid there wasn't the awareness of sexual abuse so wasn't discussed with parents/caregivers as it is today.

My situation was during childhood and someone I thought was my friend abused me sexually. She was a child too, dealing with her parents divorce and I think her abuse towards me may have been her way of coping with her parent's divorce having lost control in her life she took control of me. I'll admit at first I like it exploring my own sexuality felt right and having no knowledge this behaviour between 2 girls was wrong I didn't know better and acted on my hormones.
What started out as pleasure turned into pain.

She forced me to let her touch me when I didn't want it. I felt powerless and ashamed to let it happen I never told my parents what was happening, I was raised a Catholic and my belief of fear and guilt I couldn't reach out fearing how disgusted my mum would be with me, this is how I thought/felt as a child. I don't blame her for what she did, she was a child just like me with no skills or knowledge to know what she was doing was wrong. I'm just remembering to help me understand where my experience of sexual abuse began and how it has affected me in the beginning, during and now.

18 MAY 2020 LOCKDOWN LEVEL 2

Hubby and I were out in a NZ Post shop to buy something for our son's 15th bday. While there we stood right next to each other, obviously we had been in a bubble together since Lockdown level 4. Hubby turns to me and says we are getting dirty looks from other customers already in store and I should leave. At first I was fine with it and hearing music in the background I focused on it and danced out of the post shop. I walked to The Warehouse to see if the pressy we were looking for was there. Trying to social distance wherever I walked there was a person I was trying to dodge, I became anxious I thought 'fuck this' and left. Considering I had experienced a migraine hours before I need to get out and away from everyone for the sake of my health and well-being.

Later that night thinking how hubby treated me telling me to leave cos we were getting dirty looks for standing right beside each other, I felt hurt that he put them before Me 😔 I ended in tears feeling the hurt I did 😢 It felt good to cry and let my feelings out, to feel free to express my sadness rather than keep it all inside.

24 July 2020

Thanks to COVID19 I lost all work I had. Despite applying for jobs nothing yet. I've fallen into a pit and find it hard to climb out of. Feel sleep is taking over my life, along with laziness too. I've never been a morning person and have always struggled waking up, it doesn't help now married to a husband that constantly snores, takes my sleep away till he finally gets up. Usually I wear ear buds listening to calm music but his snoring is fuckn loud calm music volume isn't loud enough to block it out, so I listen to loud music that of course keeps me awake 🙄 The other night I couldn't stand his snoring so I left and slept on couch. It was good to sleep snore free 😴
Hubby feels frustrated that he's tried losing weight and been unsuccessful, he hates that his snoring causes my sleep deprivation which would explain my lethargy not getting sleep I need overnight. I feel angry that he gets annoyed when I sleep on couch but I've told him 'It is what it is, end of'. I do what I have to for my sanity.

My sleep deprivation just keeps getting worse and worse 😔 I feel like smothering hubby into a coma just to get the sleep I need. He constantly judges me for sleeping most of each day, not taking any accountability that his chronic snoring is the cause of my sleep deprivation so as always I have to pretend I'm fine so he doesn't feel bad FFS, total BS what this r/s has become, me having to fake it for him to feel good 🙄

11 DECEMBER 2021 

Had a mental episode the other day with my emotions all over the place 😊🤬😔🤬😜

I wasn't coping with all the changes related to Covid, too much to remember all at once, not given any time to process the changes bit by bit 🤯 My anxiety was at its worst. Upon self reflection it helped me to understand why I reacted the way I did. As I'm getting older my memory is struggling to deal with constant changes which frustrates and makes me angry.

The government has been making constant changes my brain hasn't been given a chance to remember them all. The government don't realise the negative impact their rules are having on all of us, especially on our mental health and well-being. We are all in a war, a virus war causing us to lose our freedom of choice, division between our friends/family with different points of view, main one people's reaction to getting vaccinated or not getting vaccinated. Below is a link showing what the division is doing to families.

https://i.stuff.co.nz/national/health/coronavirus/300446858/coping-with-misinformation-and-antivaccination-views-when-it-comes-from-your-family-member?rm=a

My main depression is now related to Coronavirus and how I'm doing my best not to go back into the darkness and to stay in the light. Yes I'm on ongoing medication which does help a lot, blogging is the best to say whatever I feel and get no judgement, cos judgement is what hurts the most not feeling respected or that my thoughts/feelings don't seem to matter 😔 Music is even better, it's non judgemental and always here for me when I need it 🎶  Hugs they are always the best when feeling low 🤗

These are the tools I'm using to help me get through this tough time AKA World Wide Pandemic 🗺️😷💔💉💉

COVID19

Now COVID19 is here and very real this will be very challenging. Our whole country is going into Lock down in 48 hours which means everyone in my household cannot have any other face to face contact with anyone outside our family, our sons can only communicate online, or use text to keep in touch with their friends or other family members.

Our kids independence has once again been taken away, no more using bus, no school for at least a month, parents will be vigilant for the sake of their kids lives. Making handwashing 💦👐 an important habit it will literally save their lives.

So let's see how my fight with depression goes dealing with COVID19.
I've started blogging about my personal experience, thoughts, feelings of how COVID19 is affecting not just Me, Everyone too. Click link below

https://covid19affects.blogspot.com/

As of today no more providing home help to
the people in Community as it is high risk infecting them despite taking extra precautions and since home help I provide is cleaning its not considered an essential service during Lockdown.
My son asked if I was mad to lose work and I said I'm annoyed but cos I have understanding why lockdown is necessary it helps me to accept 😊

This 4 weeks lockdown is not just about Me it's about ALL OF US 💦👐

I feel soo LIVID 😠 In my household and the man who lives with us out of financial convenience had UBER come to our front door. Obviously he doesn't give a fuck about himself or Us putting all of Us at risk allowed contact with an outsider. Once lockdown comes into effect 1159pm or 2359 hrs tonight if anyone comes to our front door in breach of the government's national lockdown I will tell him to FUCK OFF that they are in breach of Lockdown and if they don't leave I will threaten them getting arrested 👮‍♂️👮‍♀️ This lockdown means LIFE or DEATH.

After this essential lockdown I will have a t-shirt printed with I SURVIVED COVID19 LOCKDOWN 💦👐
 and get one done for my hubby and sons too. I'm optimistic we will ALL get through this together 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦

I've calmed the fuck down and accept we are in lockdown together so need to be understanding and kind to the UBER EATS AHOLIC, however if anyone tries to have contact with our bubble GET READY TO DANCE WITH THE DEVIL FOR THE SAKE OF MY WHANAU'S SURVIVAL.

Just read my last entry a lot of rage within me then cos of fear. Now NZ is in lockdown level 2, our tamariki are back at school, businesses are open and trading still have COVID19 safety precautions in place, handsanitisers, social distancing, COVID19 tracing where you're supposed to either scan a Qcode or fill in a book of your presence in that store. After my experience out with hubby I felt anxious and would rather buy online than feel like a criminal having people give me dirty looks cos I was standing beside hubby, obviously we are in each others bubble and have been since start of lockdown and have hubby care more about strangers than my own feelings telling me to leave really hurt me 😔 I left for hubby and no one else.

27 October 2021

With all the discrimination causing division in NZ I feel angry and helpless. George Orwell's 'Animal Farm' is exactly what Coronavirus has done to our once free country.

The best statement to describe NZ now is 

'All people are equal, but some are more equal than others'.

Fuck the CCP. I've expressed my anger on my Fb page, always focusing on how COVID19 started and how China have fucked the rest of the world, more so NZ a country once free from communism and hate, as it has become now. 

So many discriminations are happening right now. Ppl vaccinated will have more freedom than those who aren't, it's BS and wrong. 

I watched The Pianist and watching the unjust changes that happened to the Jews in Warsaw and how fast it happened broke my heart, so mainly lives lost to hate of the Germans, at least they paid for their crimes in the end. 

Now here in NZ I'm seeing unjust changes and this country going through hell. Coronavirus is World War III.