As I got better and my meds took full effect I was allowed to leave the hospital and have day trips which was great, but I hated having to go back and begged hubby to get me out of there. I remember a time hubby was driving me back to hospital and I had tears in my eyes not wanting to go back ever, but against my will I knew I had to return going through this hell to become the mum baby deserved, baby was the reason I didn't comitt suicide and kept keeping on with all my support knowing there would be a light at the end of this darkness. At the start its all I heard them say "It gets better". It drove me crazy hearing this 'cos I didn't feel it or even see it, it frustrated the hell out of me till after a lot of time I finally saw what they saw, yes it does get better.
After my 5 weeks stay I had my last assessment and yes I was ready to be released as an outpatient, me and baby were going home 😊
It felt good to be home to be in familiar surroundings and ppl I know. I had lost a lot of confidence and felt too anxious to go out with my baby, it took time and baby steps to feel the fear and get out & about with baby. Truth is throughout me adjusting to meditation and motherhood, I felt nothing for my baby for 3 months 😔 It makes me sad saying this but its how depression effected me, sad and true. There were other factors that made my life difficult, yes I'm talking bout my Mother-in-Law. She always would take over never giving me a chance to do things at my own pace, didn't help hubby let her walk all over me and my confidence kept dropping never getting a chance to improve 😔
After being an outpatient for a year I was well enough for hubby, baby and I to move out of Mums and live on our own, just the 3 of us and our kitty 🐈.
Finally living on our own was just what I needed to get my confidence back and be the Mum my son needed me to be 😊
After living in one place for 2 years, I was pregnant with baby number 2 so we had to find a bigger place. Lucky we found a house thru family and moved.
Both my pregnancies were hell, morning sickness, pain especially in my lower back, tiredness didn't like them at all, except for magical moments when I'd feel baby kicking and seeing baby on ultrasound, pretty amazing.
Being pregnant and already Mum to 2 years old son it was tough, I was still taking ongoing medication which made me drowsy and forced me to sleep, once my son started kindy it was good for him to be away and not see his Mum falling asleep exhausted dealing with his baby brother and side effects of medication.
Fast forward to going into labour and since I'd already given birth my body knew how to cope. Funny thing at the time I went into labour I had just woken up from a nap, hubby arrived home after helping his brother on a driving run. I calmly said I'm having contractions better get ready to go to hospital.
My second labour/birth was a lot easier, baby was born 2 hours later. I did try to have a water birth but couldn't keep my bum under water and when I stepped out of pool baby's head was already showing. Water birth wasn't meant to be.
After meeting baby 2, another son we were both transferred to St George hospital within hours of giving birth. While in hospital I did well, even attended a breastfeeding class to be sure I was feeding baby properly, didn't want yellow jaundice like with first son.
3 days after giving birth I had what's called 'Baby Blues', a common thing caused by hormones. For me it made me anxious fearing another postnatal depression. My last night in hospital I felt something was wrong and sure enough after 3 days at home postnatal depression reared it's ugly head 😔
So dejavu all over again, this time instead of being admitted back to Princess Margaret we ended living with my Mother-in-Law.
Yep adjusting to motherhood now with a baby and 2 years old and living with a control freak was hard, still on medication with drowsy effect too. Thankfully after living with Mother-in-law for 6 weeks I was well enough to return home, just the 4 of us and kitty 🐈
Life was great and being a Mum was challenging and rewarding watching both my sons growing into boys 😊 Tough start for all of Us, now getting better and better.
Long story short even to this day I'm still on medication for depression/anxiety which helps a lot, finding exercise helps too releasing endorphins giving serotonin (chemical balance in brain) causes happiness 😊
9 OCTOBER 2019
Tomorrow is my birthday and it's a sad time cos my Dad would always remember, sadly he passed away with Pancreatic Cancer 😢 So my birthday is very emotional knowing I won't hear my Dad wishing me Happy Birthday (yes I have tears in my eyes as I type).
Another reason why I'm emotional on my birthday is my Dad is the reason I was born. My mum's pregnancy with me made her ill and in hospital to the point the Dr looked at my Dad and had to make the decision to choose whether I would be born or not. A horrible place to be put in choosing to allow his wife to suffer for me to be born.
I never knew my Dad literally has my life in his hands till he told me as an adult. To make my Mum's pregnancy worse I was born 2 weeks overdue 😱 I couldn't imagine her pain and suffering to give birth to me.
I do believe everything happens for a reason and I guess me being around was meant to be.
To be honest without medication I don't know how my life would be, most likely a disaster. So lucky to have had the support helping me through the worst depression of my life and still dealing with my moments of depression by NOT GIVING UP 😉 I have a lot to be thankful for that makes my life worth living (see ongoing Meds and blogging about my feelings is helping me already ending this on a positive note 😜
26 MAY 2022
Long time no post. After being on my Meds for 9 years I'm finally coming off them 😜 Got a care plan from Dr and now putting it into action 👍
1 JUNE 2022
One week slowly coming off escitalopram and only side affect is light headedness, little anxiety but able to breathe through it. Starting with alternate nights whole tablet and 1/2 tablet the next night. Doing this for 2 weeks.
14 JUNE 2022
Into week 3 coming off escitalopram and experiencing headaches, most likely caused by withdrawal. Taking Paracetamol to help with it. Now down to alternate nights on 1/2 tablet and 1/4 tablet each night.
28 JUNE 2022
Into week 5 coming off escitalopram. Have noticed my brain fog is lifting improvement in memory, less memory blocks. Have more motivation not sleeping during day like I used to. Still feel some anxiety but to be expected.
Do feel little anxiety which is to be expected.
Overall doing well 😜
1 JULY 2022
Into week 6 now down to just taking 1/4 tablet. Just 3 weeks till I'm completely off, feeling excited 😜
9 JULY 2022
Week 7, so excited just 2 weeks and I'm off completely, still 1/4 tablet till the end now.
11 JULY 2022
I'm now aware of my zero tolerance for other people's rudeness and how I feel physically angry like a volcano close to errupting, do my best to hold my tongue to stop exploding 🤐 Blogging helps me to release my anger rather than implode.
14 JULY 2022
Just one more week and I'm completely off my medication 😁
16 JULY 2022
Have noticed I'm more aware of my impatience and very emotional at times and that my anger towards others is actually at myself. I'm using tools to help me deal with this and it's slowly working. For example I get angry doing extra stuff cos I don't trust others to do it, gotta stop myself and give others a fair chance to do what they should. Always making discoveries bout myself, always learning how to help myself.
Six days till I'll be my whole self again.
21 JULY 2022
After 8 weeks I'm completely off my meds, last night was my first night of natural sleep, no influence of medication whatsoever.
28 JULY 2022
Been off escitalopram for a whole week was doing well till faced with a confrontation by a complete stranger. I was at Fish n Chips getting my order and this elderly woman wearing a mask looked at me not wearing a mask and said 'Where's your mask'. I felt anxious being confronted. I just said and showed her my exemption which seemed to reassure her. She asked if I have asthma, I said I have anxiety.
When ppl confront me not wearing a mask it really challenges my anxiety. I knew when coming off my meds I'd face challenges with my anxiety and determined to face them and overcome them, not going back on meds their long-term affect has been on my memory caused bad forgetfulness.
Onwards and upwards 😜
3 AUGUST 2022
Been off escitalopram for 2 weeks and notice how emotional I get, for good reason when listening to a sad song, see ppl cry. I guess my meds repressed by true emotions, so it feels good to finally feel again 🥰
6 AUGUST 2022.
Now 3 weeks off meds and rediscovering a new me. Trying alcohol and feel anxious so taking it slow.
7 AUGUST 2022
After drinking alcohol I drank too much too soon, felt fine when drinking and absolute crap today. I'm doing trial and error to get the right balance.
I'm noticing I'm very chatty, open honest just say what I'm thinking, on my meds I kept a lot of stuff to myself. My energy has improved, don't feel as tired as I was on my meds. My eyesight has improved too. I have moments when I say stuff but don't feel it's me talking, Yeah experiencing some weird and good stuff. Despite my challenges I'm happy to be off the meds completely 😜
11 AUGUST 2022
Since been off meds 3 weeks now, at times I feel strange, not like myself, but hope it gets better, I'm determined not to go backwards only forwards. I've noticed I'm self aware when someone says something to me it makes me angry and defensive, I'm trying to deal with my anger towards that person sooner rather than later (give silent treatment) and depending who it's with can be hard when they get defensive not knowing what they said upset me. My main challenge at the moment is dealing with people's Passive/Agressive behaviour not just towards me, but my p/a towards them too. Rediscovering myself is my challenge, I'm changing not being on meds anymore.
Another behaviour I'm aware of is my own indecisiveness. E.g writing a sentence then delete and rewrite it, I am a qualified proofreader so this may be a habit. My mind races A LOT. Blogging helps me understand my changing behaviour.
21 AUGUST 2022
Ive now been off meds for a whole month 😊
I still feel affected with my natural feeling for hunger so I just keep eating and drinking to keep up with it. When I first came off my meds the first time (arrow citalopram) 2012 afterwards I didn't have natural feeling for hunger/thirst and didn't eat and drink, even when my stomach growling at me that part of my brain wasn't getting the message from my stomach that it was hungry. Now I'm aware of that unnatural feeling I'm keeping on top of my eating/drinking whether I want to or not, I don't want to lose my hunger all together and go back to square one. I've learnt that depression is temporary dementia so parts of the brain don't get the message from parts of the body. There's no way I'm going back on meds Ive come this far and will be successful learning stuff from failing last time.
6 SEPTEMBER 2022
Still have unnatural feeling of hunger/thirst but keep eating and drinking. Been having wicked hot/cold flushes maybe related to coming off meds or sign of premenopause, don't know for sure.
14 SEPTEMBER 2022
Finally I'm feeling like my whole self again 😊 Roughly 5 months to get escitalopram out of my system for good. Still dealing with challenges especially with my anxiety but nothing serious just my usual 😜 Feels great not depending on medication for my sanity, this is all me, myself and I 🤪
18 OCTOBER 2022
Its been 3 months since I've had no medication and I still feel weird at times like I still need to sometimes force myself to eat when I don't feel the natural feeling to eat.
I can be very irritable, definitely have mood swings (I think that's more PMS).
Today I offloaded big time bout a major stressor in my life and I couldn't stop myself bitching 🤬😲 I realised how much I keep to myself and when someone actually listens to me (not often) I feel encouraged to share anything I'm feeling at that time.
On a more personal note. I don't know if anyone is reading my blog but if there is I'd love for you to share any of your experiences with medication, if you are on any or if you were and got yourself off it. Feel free to comment below. My blog is to share in hope to help others who may need it, it's not just bout me it's bout yous too🤗
10 November 2022
I noticed being off my meds I care more bout stuff than I did when I was on my meds, so proof being on medication did affect my apathy, that I didn't care as much. I feel more sensitive which causes me to feel hurt more easy, now so finding ways to help this emotion I haven't felt in a loooong time. Yes facing challenges to accept who I really am.
9 January 2023.
9 January 2023.
My depression/anxiety has returned, I totally fucked up coming off them, very arrogant I was to think I could come right off only to go back on again, I'm pissed at myself 😤 I'm one big fuck up making mistake after mistake and putting all my family through hell all over again 😔
My family and I went on a holiday over New years. All was going well
till new years day I got badly sunburnt and found it hard to sleep cos of the pain. Besides getting badly sunburnt the first part of trip was good, it wasn't till we left Timaru and travelled down to Invercargill that things went downhill fast resulting in contracting a uti caused by severe dehydration, I'm still dealing with. Ive lost all natural feelings for hunger and thirst and using loo, it's worst this time having to deal with a uti on top of everything. It's my new nightmare going back into darkness feeling I'll be trapped here forever😔
My family and I went on a holiday over New years. All was going well
till new years day I got badly sunburnt and found it hard to sleep cos of the pain. Besides getting badly sunburnt the first part of trip was good, it wasn't till we left Timaru and travelled down to Invercargill that things went downhill fast resulting in contracting a uti caused by severe dehydration, I'm still dealing with. Ive lost all natural feelings for hunger and thirst and using loo, it's worst this time having to deal with a uti on top of everything. It's my new nightmare going back into darkness feeling I'll be trapped here forever😔
28 MARCH 2023
What a roller-coaster ride my mental health and well-being has been. It turns out I need this medication, each time I've come off (twice) I end up back on it. I've accepted my need for this medication. I do feel I'm coming back to myself each day, I'm not completely there yet but feel I've improved a lot 🥰
18 AUGUST 2023
Now I'm back to my normal self (normal for me anyway 😜) I'm back working, keeping on top of housework, helping mum like I did before, most importantly the pressure is off my hubby and we are back to being a team again 👫 I feel great 😎
1 JANUARY 2024 🎉🎇
Happy New Year.
Quick update. I'm doing fantastic 🥰 My meds are helping a lot and Im looking forward to this new year with no relapse, I've learned to keep taking my happy pill everyday and never put my family through hell ever again.
To any readers out there have a great 2024, take care of yourselves 🤗
17 JANUARY 2024
I've been having lots of flashbacks to last summer when 6 months after coming off meds I fell apart and put my family through absolute hell. Having these flashbacks gets me very anxious 😬 I just keep telling myself I'm good, just stay on my meds and to keep calm, carry on and most importantly BREATHE 😊
8 MARCH 2024
Hey all 🙋♀️
I'm feeling fantabulous 😺 My mental health and well-being is great. I know feel comfortable talking to hubby about that breakdown and how much I felt for him. The thing with mental health is when a woman breaks down there's a lot of support for her however there doesn't seem to be support for the woman's hubby/partner, he's just expected to do everything and keep pushing through till his wife/partner takes time to get back to herself.
I do feel for men in these sad situations 😞
Regarding my breakdown it took months for me to recover. Hubby did all he could to help me, the hardest part was when the last part of healing was on Me. I had to force myself to return to work even though I wasn't ready, just had to do it.
To start with my road to recovery for the 4th time (1st and 2nd were postnatal depression. 3 & 4th was relapse coming off meds after 6 months) Behaving and taking my meds, just dealing with laundry each day, doing something familiar helped a lot for my brain 🧠 Depression for me affected my brain and it was like I had forgotten how to do anything but breathe, a taste of dementia struggling with memory. In fact depression is a reversible dementia and only temporary.
I'm amazed how one tablet everyday helps me function.
My motivation is on fire with taking part helping to fundraise for Ronald McDonald House to House Challenge. My goal is to cycle 210kms within 30 days (March) and raise $1,197. Click link below to know more
21 May 2024
Last week I had a review with my Dr regarding my depression/anxiety and all is well 😊 I was told a 6 monthly Dr review is compulsory for people living in NZ 🇳🇿with mental illness.
I do remember having 6 monthly updates when I first was put on to medication 💊2005, sometime well before Covid the 6 monthly reviews suddenly stopped and at that time being a busy mum I never noticed. Good to get reminder when needed.
