After my diagnosis with Postnatal Depression I was sent to Princess Margaret Hospital into the Mother's and Babies Unit. On the way there my mind was totally gone, just sitting in the car with hubby driving me to hospital I had thoughts of opening the door and throwing myself into traffic, yeah I was severely sleep deprived and just had thoughts of suicide just ending this nightmare I had gotten myself into.
We arrive at hospital and taken to the Mothers and Babies Unit to be assessed, I remember it was a Friday night so not many staff on during weekend. This lady saw me and started asking me questions and I just answered them as though it was just a normal conversation. The lady, I think she was a Counsellor asked me if I had thoughts of suicide and calmly I said yes. Then she asked me how I would do it, again without feeling or tears I said I'd cut my wrists, she asked "how would you cut your wirsts?" I said "with a razorblade". I noticed tears in her eyes but I felt numb and didn't acknowledge her pain seeing how messed up I was. I was also asked if I thought of harming myself and I told her on the drive here I thought of opening the car door and throwing myself into traffic. It's very upsetting telling this now but then it didn't matter 'cos I didn't matter I just wanted to run away, felt overwhelmed and complete failure at being a Mum and just felt everyone would be better off without me.
So after my assessment I was committed as an inpatient and foolishly still trying to breastfeed. I got a breast infection 'cos of being badly dehydrated so put on antibiotics and being in hospital they had control of my meds and gave it to me. The thing I found hard being in hospital was accepting/trusting that I was where I needed to be even though I didn't want to be there. I'd describe my depression as the dark and light side of me fighting against each other, it was a vicious never ending cycle wanting to get better but also going against myself too. My final diagnosis was Depression/Anxiety. This diagnosis was given after I had a full on panic attack while I was at Mothers and Babies. Right before my panic attack I felt myself shaking and then said these words "Time to check out". The moment I said these words in my head the panic attack hit me, it was soo frightening, my heart was racing felt like a heart attack. The nurses were great helping me breathe through it and I remember when the panic attack was happening I said these words "I don't want to die". I heard a nurse say "That's good to hear". So got through my very first Panic Attack and that was just the beginning. Minutes later had another attack, it just kept happening like an earthquake erupting and having aftershocks, that's how I'd describe my panic attacks.
So I was put on a new med called Citalopram and it made me feel drowsy like a zombie for 3 whole weeks, I still took care of baby with supervision but sadly felt nothing, couldn't laugh, couldn't cry I felt completely numb, worst feeling a new mum could have to see her newborn as a burden and want to run away from everyone and everything, just wanting to wake up from her nightmare.
I knew I had to stop breastfeeding but felt soo pressured into keep trying when it was hopeless. After some time at Mothers and Babies unit I was sitting in lunchroom eating some toast for breakfast waiting for another assessment to be done and I heard the words I needed to hear "It's okay to stop breastfeeding". Relief came over me finally someone who understood what I needed to help me recover, her words gave me strength to finally make the agonising decision to stop breastfeeding.
I ended going cold turkey to put baby on bottle and as soon as I did this I got better and better. I went cold turkey meaning stopped expressing on the milking machine and used cold cabbage leaves to dry up my milk, it was fucken painful but had to be done, I had abused my breasts enough and baby couldn't breastfeed properly so bottle was best for both of us. The best thing having baby on bottle was we knew how much he was drinking and his dad could now feed him and other members of our family too, most importantly I could finally rest, get the sleep I needed to start my road to recovery coming out of the darkness and into the light.
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Monday, May 21, 2018
6 DAYS IN HOSPITAL
Before leaving to go to hospital I didn't eat anything, no appetite just feelings of failure and that I was shit.
At hospital with baby not a clue what to do, no midwife and no-one to guide us, felt completely lost. I found a pamphlet telling us what to expect on our first arrival at hospital, I tried reading it but my concentration was terrible, I felt I was reading but not understanding anything.
My poor baby before he was put in incubation Dr seen him and pricked his foot to test for bilirubin https://www.healthline.com/health/bilirubin-blood#purpose, his foot became a pin cushion soo many pricks, horrible to watch but no tears shed, just feelings of failure. Doctor saw that I was breastfeeding and got me some food, when the food was in front of me, I wanted to give it to hubby help him with his strength but he declined and I reluctantly ate.
Baby ends up in a incubation tank, nappy off, lights on getting his light treatment to help with his yellow jaundice. I could see he loved being naked with no nappy, he peeeed everywhere.
While baby was getting his light therapy I still was trying to give him breast milk and used the electric breast pump at hospital. It meant I had to walk and find my way to the milking room and I gotta say it felt great doing it on my own, not depending on anyone, felt like my independent self again. So every 3 hours in the milking room to get breast milk for baby (yeah breastfeeding for me felt like a cow in a milking shed, didn't enjoy it at all, but felt pressured and didn't have the strength to stop).
Hubby and I spend the whole night in hospital while baby in incubation getting light therapy and me in milking shed expressing every 3 hours.
Baby is good to be fed and I've had enough! I just NEED SLEEP. The nurse tried to get me to breastfeed baby and I didn't want to and she said how I would regret giving up. At this moment baby latched on and was feeding, I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and he looked into mine and wow it really felt like he wanted me to succeed giving him breast milk awww. Midwife did see me and asked me how I was doing, I just told her I need sleep, she said "You're depressed". I kept saying "I'm not depressed I just need sleep". She knew the truth and I was in denial.
Now baby was getting better he still needed to see Dr check all was well before going home.
Things were going well with baby, as for his mum (me) she started to go downhill. Little by little more decisions were being made for me and I felt like I was a child not being able to decide anything for myself, felt no-one trusted my own judgement and useless. Then after baby's last test the Dr announces he can go home, you'd think I'd be ecstatic but instead I was anxious and didn't want to go home knowing I wasn't coping and breastfeeding didn't feel like it was working so I wanted to see Lactation Consultant and be sure I was doing it properly, unfortunately in a hospital you don't get to see specialists when you need too, so had to wait. Finally the Lactation Consultant arrived and I was tired and didn't know what to ask, started staring into space, guessing it was sleep deprivation.
Baby still doing fine and attention was drawn to me concerns about my mental health. After many trips here and there I was finally diagnosed with Postnatal Depression. Two weeks after giving birth and off to Princess Margaret Hospital into Mothers and Babies Unit.
At hospital with baby not a clue what to do, no midwife and no-one to guide us, felt completely lost. I found a pamphlet telling us what to expect on our first arrival at hospital, I tried reading it but my concentration was terrible, I felt I was reading but not understanding anything.
My poor baby before he was put in incubation Dr seen him and pricked his foot to test for bilirubin https://www.healthline.com/health/bilirubin-blood#purpose, his foot became a pin cushion soo many pricks, horrible to watch but no tears shed, just feelings of failure. Doctor saw that I was breastfeeding and got me some food, when the food was in front of me, I wanted to give it to hubby help him with his strength but he declined and I reluctantly ate.
Baby ends up in a incubation tank, nappy off, lights on getting his light treatment to help with his yellow jaundice. I could see he loved being naked with no nappy, he peeeed everywhere.
While baby was getting his light therapy I still was trying to give him breast milk and used the electric breast pump at hospital. It meant I had to walk and find my way to the milking room and I gotta say it felt great doing it on my own, not depending on anyone, felt like my independent self again. So every 3 hours in the milking room to get breast milk for baby (yeah breastfeeding for me felt like a cow in a milking shed, didn't enjoy it at all, but felt pressured and didn't have the strength to stop).
Hubby and I spend the whole night in hospital while baby in incubation getting light therapy and me in milking shed expressing every 3 hours.
Baby is good to be fed and I've had enough! I just NEED SLEEP. The nurse tried to get me to breastfeed baby and I didn't want to and she said how I would regret giving up. At this moment baby latched on and was feeding, I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and he looked into mine and wow it really felt like he wanted me to succeed giving him breast milk awww. Midwife did see me and asked me how I was doing, I just told her I need sleep, she said "You're depressed". I kept saying "I'm not depressed I just need sleep". She knew the truth and I was in denial.
Now baby was getting better he still needed to see Dr check all was well before going home.
Things were going well with baby, as for his mum (me) she started to go downhill. Little by little more decisions were being made for me and I felt like I was a child not being able to decide anything for myself, felt no-one trusted my own judgement and useless. Then after baby's last test the Dr announces he can go home, you'd think I'd be ecstatic but instead I was anxious and didn't want to go home knowing I wasn't coping and breastfeeding didn't feel like it was working so I wanted to see Lactation Consultant and be sure I was doing it properly, unfortunately in a hospital you don't get to see specialists when you need too, so had to wait. Finally the Lactation Consultant arrived and I was tired and didn't know what to ask, started staring into space, guessing it was sleep deprivation.
Baby still doing fine and attention was drawn to me concerns about my mental health. After many trips here and there I was finally diagnosed with Postnatal Depression. Two weeks after giving birth and off to Princess Margaret Hospital into Mothers and Babies Unit.
Sunday, May 20, 2018
HOSPITAL DISCHARGE/FIRST WEEK HOME
That night in hospital having baby beside me was great but when he needed changing I was too exhausted to do it so the nurse did, in fact the whole time I was in the hospital I didn't change his nappy at all.
Me and baby were discharged that same day despite I still didn't know WTF I was doing and nurses didn't even check if I was okay. What was supposed to have happened was baby and me were to be transferred to Burwood Hospital but instead baby and me were discharged from Christchurch Womans' and sent straight home. I feel my midwife let me down not following through with our postnatal plan.
Because baby was born 27 days early hubby and I had nothing ready so had to sort a car seat to bring him home, no idea how they were put in either or how they worked, both me and hubby completely lost not knowing anything. The one thing we did have ready at home was cot and bedding, of course nappies, wipes etc.
So here we are hubby and I with baby driving home and I feel very anxious always worried 'What if he cries, what do I do?"
The first days home had regular visits from Midwife checking I'm okay but nothing was said why me and baby weren't transferred like we should have been. I did tell her I had been shaking more and more each day, midwife thought I may have a uti (urinary tract infection) so gave me suggestion to help. I told her I hadn't been sleeping since I was demand feeding every 3 hours and with baby still premature too sleepy to feed properly and that I was in constant pain more so after baby gave me a tear giving birth, midwife suggested have warm cup of water to use when I pee to help with pain, yes this did help.
The living situation was with Mum 'cos funny thing was the day I went into labour hubby and I planned to go house hunting but of course had to cancel. Mum didn't like her house turning into a pigsty and it happens when you're sleep deprived, low on energy and its all about baby this and baby that and I no longer exist.
Before pregnancy I was tidy, active, got things done, organised. During pregnancy I tried to do what I could but always tired, no energy and morning sickness was really bad, the loo got to know me too well during my first trimester, told me jokes that had me laughing at the floor, I'm sure woman who have been pregnant know what I mean. Lots of resting during my pregnancy. After pregnancy lost confidence, felt like a failure, anxious as hell.
Backtrack when I first found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks, at the time I was doing Home Care in the community. This morning I was crook and called my co-ordinator told her I was 6 weeks pregnant and not up to seeing my client, she said I had to do it 'cos there was no-one to relieve me. So despite feeling nauseous I managed something to eat and drink and hubby drove me there.
At clients place doing Home Management (housework) and 30 mins in I almost fainted. I had to tell my client I was pregnant so he understood what was going on. I couldn't finish cleaning so called office spoke to co-ordinator telling her she needs to get someone out there to finish. I wrote down what had been done for the reliever so they knew what to do.
Hubby picked me up and after I got home I used loo and noticed bleeding. I called midwife (different midwife as I was living in Blenheim during my first trimester and ended moving to Christchurch 18 weeks pregnant) told her what was going on and she told me I may be at the start of a miscarriage, told me to rest. Hearing the word miscarriage freaked me out! I rested the rest of the day and the bleeding stopped "phew'.
I read later that if you have spotting during first trimester its a sign that baby may be born premature, in my case baby was born premature.
Another thing that I experienced during pregnancy was I had an allergy to strawberry and ended in a rash on my arms, found something from chemist safe to use help with itching. No I was fine eating anything strawberry before pregnancy, it was only during pregnancy I become allergic.
Back to first days at home with baby. Day 3 I was sitting on bed eating noodles and for no reason just started crying. Midwife came round and saw me with tears in my eyes and I asked her "Is this normal?" apparently yes, 3 days after giving birth new mums cry it's called baby blues and perfectly normal.
During the first week breastfeeding wasn't working out at all, baby too sleepy to feed and I ended up using breast pump, and told to lactate at least 200 mils and it took everything out of me. Did I stop? No I ended up hiring an electric breast pump and continuing.
Another visit from midwife telling me baby is jaundice not getting enough fluid and needed to be taken to hospital for light therapy. Yes a week after giving birth back to hospital next to Christchurch Woman's and I felt like a complete failure.
Me and baby were discharged that same day despite I still didn't know WTF I was doing and nurses didn't even check if I was okay. What was supposed to have happened was baby and me were to be transferred to Burwood Hospital but instead baby and me were discharged from Christchurch Womans' and sent straight home. I feel my midwife let me down not following through with our postnatal plan.
Because baby was born 27 days early hubby and I had nothing ready so had to sort a car seat to bring him home, no idea how they were put in either or how they worked, both me and hubby completely lost not knowing anything. The one thing we did have ready at home was cot and bedding, of course nappies, wipes etc.
So here we are hubby and I with baby driving home and I feel very anxious always worried 'What if he cries, what do I do?"
The first days home had regular visits from Midwife checking I'm okay but nothing was said why me and baby weren't transferred like we should have been. I did tell her I had been shaking more and more each day, midwife thought I may have a uti (urinary tract infection) so gave me suggestion to help. I told her I hadn't been sleeping since I was demand feeding every 3 hours and with baby still premature too sleepy to feed properly and that I was in constant pain more so after baby gave me a tear giving birth, midwife suggested have warm cup of water to use when I pee to help with pain, yes this did help.
The living situation was with Mum 'cos funny thing was the day I went into labour hubby and I planned to go house hunting but of course had to cancel. Mum didn't like her house turning into a pigsty and it happens when you're sleep deprived, low on energy and its all about baby this and baby that and I no longer exist.
Before pregnancy I was tidy, active, got things done, organised. During pregnancy I tried to do what I could but always tired, no energy and morning sickness was really bad, the loo got to know me too well during my first trimester, told me jokes that had me laughing at the floor, I'm sure woman who have been pregnant know what I mean. Lots of resting during my pregnancy. After pregnancy lost confidence, felt like a failure, anxious as hell.
Backtrack when I first found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks, at the time I was doing Home Care in the community. This morning I was crook and called my co-ordinator told her I was 6 weeks pregnant and not up to seeing my client, she said I had to do it 'cos there was no-one to relieve me. So despite feeling nauseous I managed something to eat and drink and hubby drove me there.
At clients place doing Home Management (housework) and 30 mins in I almost fainted. I had to tell my client I was pregnant so he understood what was going on. I couldn't finish cleaning so called office spoke to co-ordinator telling her she needs to get someone out there to finish. I wrote down what had been done for the reliever so they knew what to do.
Hubby picked me up and after I got home I used loo and noticed bleeding. I called midwife (different midwife as I was living in Blenheim during my first trimester and ended moving to Christchurch 18 weeks pregnant) told her what was going on and she told me I may be at the start of a miscarriage, told me to rest. Hearing the word miscarriage freaked me out! I rested the rest of the day and the bleeding stopped "phew'.
I read later that if you have spotting during first trimester its a sign that baby may be born premature, in my case baby was born premature.
Another thing that I experienced during pregnancy was I had an allergy to strawberry and ended in a rash on my arms, found something from chemist safe to use help with itching. No I was fine eating anything strawberry before pregnancy, it was only during pregnancy I become allergic.
Back to first days at home with baby. Day 3 I was sitting on bed eating noodles and for no reason just started crying. Midwife came round and saw me with tears in my eyes and I asked her "Is this normal?" apparently yes, 3 days after giving birth new mums cry it's called baby blues and perfectly normal.
During the first week breastfeeding wasn't working out at all, baby too sleepy to feed and I ended up using breast pump, and told to lactate at least 200 mils and it took everything out of me. Did I stop? No I ended up hiring an electric breast pump and continuing.
Another visit from midwife telling me baby is jaundice not getting enough fluid and needed to be taken to hospital for light therapy. Yes a week after giving birth back to hospital next to Christchurch Woman's and I felt like a complete failure.
LABOUR/BIRTH
Depression just the sound of the word is yuck. Depression is close to home for me and many others too. The depression this blog is about is my experience with Postnatal Depression.
My first son was born 27 days early it was a shock when I went into labour. Its one thing to be pregnant and another to realise "OMG this baby is on its way, eek!" I went into shock just sat on a chair freaking out, oblivious to what was happening around me. Hubby had to pack my stuff for hospital 'cos my mind wasn't here it was dealing with labour, painful labour. This day was my Mum's birthday too and it was funny when my contractions were 5 minutes apart to say "Happy Birthday Mum, I'm off to hospital now to give birth to your next grandson". No birthday cake for me lol!
The car ride to hospital was the worst! I was in sooo much pain and trying to keep the seatbelt on made the pain sooo much worse! F words were spoken and happy when we arrived to get out of the car, felt better walking round.
My labour lasted 8 hours, it was the most excruciating pain I had ever experienced in my life, no pain relief, I heard that getting an epidural could affect my bond with baby so I didn't want to take that risk. Eight hours later nearing 0200 (2am) I met my son who had been kicking me for 8 months and seeing his beautiful blue eyes was a moment to cherish.
In a short time baby was taken away to have his checks and he had trouble breathing so was taken up to Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU).
Backtrack after I gave birth for some reason my whole body shook like an earthquake and I tried to ask my Midwife if this shaking was normal but she's too exhausted helping me give birth she didn't answer me. I think it may've been severe dehydration 'cos when I first went into labour I didn't drink or eat anything, and during labour in hospital I dry retched really bad, needed ice chips to help with dehydration.
Baby is taken up to NICU help with his breathing and I showered and had something to eat just toast with spread, after all the dry retching my stomach was empty so could manage very little. I get taken to my room at Christchurch Womans' Hospital and did I sleep? No my mind went through the moment I went into labour to giving birth and it took ages to get to sleep, felt like an adrenaline rush. While I was sleeping the nurse came in to help get my Colostrum working to help bring my milk through to breastfeed, I was totally wreaked to do it myself so let the nurse squeeze my nipples.
I did get called up to NICU to breastfeed baby.
I get up to NICU and see my gorgeous baby boy and try breastfeeding him, still feeling exhausted I didn't even know if he was latching properly just assumed he was.
I had a chat to baby saying "Mum misses you in her room so hope you will be well enough to leave NICU and be with me". I had my time with baby then left him in NICU went back to my room. Sometime later I was told baby is breathing on his own and can come down with me, I was happy and wondered if baby understood the words I had said to him, freaky. Baby comes down and is lying in crib beside me and I start freaking out in my mind "What do I do if he cries?" This was the start to my anxiety as a new mum not knowing WTF I was doing.
My first son was born 27 days early it was a shock when I went into labour. Its one thing to be pregnant and another to realise "OMG this baby is on its way, eek!" I went into shock just sat on a chair freaking out, oblivious to what was happening around me. Hubby had to pack my stuff for hospital 'cos my mind wasn't here it was dealing with labour, painful labour. This day was my Mum's birthday too and it was funny when my contractions were 5 minutes apart to say "Happy Birthday Mum, I'm off to hospital now to give birth to your next grandson". No birthday cake for me lol!
The car ride to hospital was the worst! I was in sooo much pain and trying to keep the seatbelt on made the pain sooo much worse! F words were spoken and happy when we arrived to get out of the car, felt better walking round.
My labour lasted 8 hours, it was the most excruciating pain I had ever experienced in my life, no pain relief, I heard that getting an epidural could affect my bond with baby so I didn't want to take that risk. Eight hours later nearing 0200 (2am) I met my son who had been kicking me for 8 months and seeing his beautiful blue eyes was a moment to cherish.
In a short time baby was taken away to have his checks and he had trouble breathing so was taken up to Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU).
Backtrack after I gave birth for some reason my whole body shook like an earthquake and I tried to ask my Midwife if this shaking was normal but she's too exhausted helping me give birth she didn't answer me. I think it may've been severe dehydration 'cos when I first went into labour I didn't drink or eat anything, and during labour in hospital I dry retched really bad, needed ice chips to help with dehydration.
Baby is taken up to NICU help with his breathing and I showered and had something to eat just toast with spread, after all the dry retching my stomach was empty so could manage very little. I get taken to my room at Christchurch Womans' Hospital and did I sleep? No my mind went through the moment I went into labour to giving birth and it took ages to get to sleep, felt like an adrenaline rush. While I was sleeping the nurse came in to help get my Colostrum working to help bring my milk through to breastfeed, I was totally wreaked to do it myself so let the nurse squeeze my nipples.
I did get called up to NICU to breastfeed baby.
I get up to NICU and see my gorgeous baby boy and try breastfeeding him, still feeling exhausted I didn't even know if he was latching properly just assumed he was.
I had a chat to baby saying "Mum misses you in her room so hope you will be well enough to leave NICU and be with me". I had my time with baby then left him in NICU went back to my room. Sometime later I was told baby is breathing on his own and can come down with me, I was happy and wondered if baby understood the words I had said to him, freaky. Baby comes down and is lying in crib beside me and I start freaking out in my mind "What do I do if he cries?" This was the start to my anxiety as a new mum not knowing WTF I was doing.
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